Monday, 24 July 2017

It Feels Like Starting Over

In my mind, in my private dialogues where I amuse and entertain myself, I am calling this sharing a life thing 'weeness'.  (Jim, yes my partner is now getting a name publicly, being from Scotland would have an entirely different interpretation of this word 'weeness'.)  This weeness is mostly a pleasant thing, the sharing of both the mundane and the delightful, but it is still something I notice because I have been accustomed to solitary functioning for so long.

Often he asks me, 'What are we doing today?'  I understand it's an attempt to gather information about his upcoming day.  Apparently I am in charge and I might not have any complaints about that.  Or perhaps he wishes to give me the illusion of control.  Quite likely he is asking as a form of consideration for me, not wishing to impose anything on me because he knows I will have some sort of plan or rough idea of how the day should unfold.  I have noticed that he likes to ask me what I want before stating what he wants.

When asked "What are we doing today?"  My thoughts begin like this....

1. I don't know what you are doing but I would like to write/read/paint/waste time on Pinterest or Facebook and drink coffee.

2.  Awww it's so amazing to be half of a 'we'

3.  OMG I am never alone anymore; how strange.  Even stranger...I don't mind.

4.  Wait a minute...I am alone sometimes.  Phew. Now, let's do something together.

Thought number one sounds a bit bitchy but it isn't meant to be.  It's mainly that unless my plans include some cooking or laundry, my plans for every day are always that I am intending to do some reading/writing/painting and I will probably also waste time on the internet. 

While I love and enjoy the company of other people, or at least some people some of the time, I will inevitably retreat to my lair to be alone again after a bit of social interaction and stay there with much relief.  I don't have social anxiety and am quite capable of going out and doing the shopping or going for a walk and encountering people with whom I will make friendly small talk but it's tiring.  Exhausting sometimes. I like being alone in crowds and not talking to anyone, just observing.  I like doing things my way, on my own time, in my own space, and I've had that for several years.  Now I am choosing to give it up.

Or am I?  Not fully.  Not really.  I chose a partner who is similar to me.  He likes to be alone, he likes to stay home, he likes to experience brief social encounters and then retreat.  He has solitary hobbies.  We are like toddlers in that we happily engage in parallel play.  At this moment we are each sitting at the table a few feet across from each other.  I am writing, he is uploading photos, making a slide show, uploading music for a playlist to use on our next road trip.  We make tea or coffee for each other periodically.   One of the greatest compliments we can give each other is to say 'being with you is as good as being alone.'

Of course there are exceptions, moments when the togetherness is too much for both of us.  Recently I was informed that my hovering was impeding his ability to enjoy shopping at Canadian Tire in the gadgets department.  I scarpered off to the bookstore.   Today we ventured out into the land of shops again and this time the plan was that he would happily wait in the car while I went to the second hand book shop and then I would wait in the next door cafe while he poked around in Home Depot.  It was a morning of popping into different shops and then meeting up in the car again.  There was a torrential downpour which we sat through, wondering if we needed to alter our plans and then realising that we have plenty of time, that we could sit and enjoy each other's company and wait it out.  So we did.  I got some books, Jim got his tools and electrical bits, we picked up some groceries and did a bit of banking, then happily returned home to our nest, the one we each share with another who is just as good as being alone.

Thursday, 13 July 2017

Chocolate Cravings

 I am trying to lose a few pounds, and definitely to maintain a healthy weight and my partner is trying to lose a significant amount.  Low carbohydrate eating works for both of us but like anyone we don't want to feel deprived of treats and delicious food as this only leads to binging or going astray from the healthy eating plan.  Making rich and creamy food is quite easy since cream and butter are low carb staples, but baked treats take a little more experimentation.  I have been working on perfecting a low carb chocolate cake but it's really the icing (or frosting for my American friends) that is the tricky part.  It wouldn't be so tricky if my partner and I could eat powdered erythritol, which functions exactly like regular powdered sugar, but as I explain below, we don't tolerate sugar alcohols well so I have to make do with other options.

I find recipes online but often I adapt, modify and re-create them so this chocolate cake is my own creation now.  Since I'm not a dedicated low carb blogger and I don't actually count carbs, I just keep an intuitive sense of what I've eating, I don't have carb counts for this cake because I don't actively count carbs.  I have a pretty good idea of the carb count of most foods and know when I am in the range I want to be in.

Even when a treat is low-carb I still consider it a treat and not a license to binge. I would estimate the cake alone has roughly 10g carbs per serving but that's just an estimate.

Chocolate Cake-one layer in a square pan but can be sliced in half to make a two-layer cake.  I've been working to make this recipe more moist and although I've improved on the original recipe that I found online I think it still needs work.  My partner says I am terribly self-critical and that the cake is delicious.  I think of it as a work in progress so next time I might reduce the coconut flour by one tablespoon.

3/4 cup cocoa                    6 eggs, 2 egg whites
1/2 cup coconut flour         1/2 cup olive oil
2 1/2 tsp baking powder    1/2 cup greek yogurt
pinch salt                           1 tsp vanilla
2 cups Splenda

 Preheat oven to 325F
Combine the dry ingredients and the liquids separately and then whisk the liquids into the dry.  Spread batter in a parchment lined 8x8 inch pan and bake at 325F for 45 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

To ice the cake I improvised by melting chocolate and cream together, adding Splenda to taste and later stirring in some cocoa powder.  I beat it all in my mixer aiming to get it as smooth as I could, dribbling in a little bit of boiled water.

I am not a food photographer and made no effort to beautify this, as you can see.   It generally looks and tastes like real cake though so if you are eating low carb or feeding a diabetic, you could do worse than to try my cake.

Chocolate Cream Cheese Fudge-gooey and best kept frozen.

1 cup heavy cream
4 squares unsweetened chocolate
1 cup Splenda
1 tsp vanilla extract
8 oz cream cheese

Melt the cream, chocolate and Splenda in a suacepan over low heat, stirring to incorporate the sugar well.  Add vanilla.  Pour the chocolate mixture into a mixing bowl with the cream cheese and beat on high until the mixture is smooth-about 5 minutes.  Spread the mixture in a parchment paper lined pan, using a larger pan for thin pieces of fudge or a smaller pan for thick fudge.  I used a 9x11 pan and made thin fudge.   Refrigerate an hour or more until firm and then lift out the parchment paper and cut the fudge into squares while still on the paper.  Place the fudge squares on fresh paper on the original pan and put in the freezer for an hour or two.  The fudge keeps best in the fridge or freezer and I store mine in plastic containers.  Once the cut up fudge is frozen it is less likely the pieces will stick together or at least they will separate from each other fairly easily.  

 Some Ramblings About Low Carb and Particularly Sweeteners

My partner and I both love carbohydrates.  If I had to pick a favourite food group it would be the breads/cereals group followed by dairy.  I've struggled over the years with health and weight issues and before being diagnosed as celiac ate far too many bready things.  They never seemed to satiate or satisfy and one piece of bread lead to several pieces, and so it went with anything made with wheat flour, sweet or savoury.  I was vegan for several years and I had the same non-satiation problem with the grains and vegetables and beans I lived on.  In order to feel full I ate large quantities and I gained weight.  I was eating the plant based, low fat, whole grain diet so often recommended for health but I couldn't manage my hunger or my weight.  A celiac diagnosis muddied the picture but for a time I experimented with using any non-gluten whole grain and although this addressed the celiac issue it didn't address my weight or my hunger.

Diet can be a very emotionally fraught thing.  People feel strongly about the ethics or the health beliefs associated with various diets and although I was once one of those obnoxious vegans who thought anyone eating animal products was misguided about both ethics and health, I am no longer that person.

I have done much research but the field of nutrition is a difficult one.  There is much misinformation, confusing information, experts promoting opposite ideals and not much money is put into nutrition research.  Big agriculture, the makers of processed foods and sellers of health and fitness products all have something to gain by funding research, publishing the results of limited studies and blocking the publishing of results that don't favour them.  I have done my own reading, come to my own conclusions and eat a diet that works for me based on how my body responds and what I believe to be the best information available, the most scientific studies and as usual in life, I also make compromises.

With all of that in mind I eat a low carb diet that is high in saturated fat, moderately high in animal products, and low in carbohydrate with most of my carbohydrates coming from vegetables.  I eat grain free both because it is more comfortable for my digestive system and because it is low carbohydrate.  My daily food consists of meat, cheese, eggs and vegetables with a small amount of berries and yogurt.

When I bake I use almond or coconut flours.  When I need to use a sugar substitute I use Splenda or imitators.  People with nut allergies won't be able to use almond flour and may not be able to use coconut flour.  Low carb/gluten free baking tends to use more eggs than regular baking so it's not good for those with egg issues either.  When it comes to sugar substitutes my ow conclusion is that there is no real evidence (thought plenty of scare tactics and misinformation on the internet) about any of them being unhealthy and it is an error to believe that 'real' sugar is a healthier choice.  You may be able to include real sugar in your diet in small amounts with no problems.  If you need to lose weight or keep it off you may not.  Sugar substitutes vary in their qualities and sugar alcohols give the best results in baking but I am among those who don't tolerate them.  They act as a laxative for me and for my partner so I don't use them.  We both tolerate Splenda well.  The drawback to Splenda is that it does not reproduce the texture that real sugar does.  It sweetens but it is terrible for that crispy-chewy texture you want in cookies or brownies.  It doesn't powder well either so isn't good for frostings and icings.

Splenda, or sucralose, in powder form is combined with maltodextrin which is an actual sugar, complete with calories and blood sugar spiking abilities.  However, it is combined with such a small amount per serving that it is mainly negligible unless you eat a batch of fudge daily.

Most Stevia powders are a mixture of Stevia with xylitol or erythritol, which are the sugar alcohols I mentioned that I don't tolerate.  Some brands use inulin, which is a water soluble plant fibre.  For me, Stevia tends to have an aftertaste.

Xylitol is a sugar alcohol with that laxative effect being possible.  It also has a mouth cooling feel, sort of a minty taste and thus it is often used in toothpaste and sugarless gum.  It is toxic to dogs.

Erythritol is popular with most low carb bloggers and recipe developers.  It is expensive but functions the most like real sugar in baking.  It has the laxative effect for me and for my partner.

Some people are very anti-sweetener and nothing I can write or link to would change their minds.  I am not going to even attempt to do so, but am just trying to outline my own choice and the reasons for anyone who is curious.  You can find articles to back up any perspective you wish to take.  The validity of those articles will vary but we all believe what we want to believe. 

Splenda and Maltodextrin

Splenda Safety

STOP THE PRESSES!!!  I tried this recipe today and it's the best I've tried so far.  It will be my go-to chocolate cake recipe.

Monday, 10 July 2017

Recipe for Marital Bliss (and Pancakes)

Even people who love each other can have communication problems.  The most helpful thing is being able to laugh at communication breakdowns which is the method my partner and I are using with success.  I can only hope that lasts. 

It seems a certain thing to me that one of the significant factors in a partnership failing is that the diminished love and care one feels for one's partner is not conducive to making any attempt to understand just how communication failed or to sharing in the blame for that failure.  Both my partner and I are very fond of logic but human beings are not terribly logical, even when they aim to be.  It's quite easy to assume that one's own logic is the supreme version of logic, that just because one way of thinking makes sense to me it is thus the most logical.  It is quite easy to assume. 

Assumptions cause problems.

Two people of middle age, with many years of habits and customs behind them and a slight variation in cultural norms will encounter some difficulty and we expect it.  We expect to need to spell out for each other what we are doing and why at times, or to ask the other which method would be preferred.  Such negotiations always seem to take place in the kitchen and centre around what food will be eaten and how, what utensils are needed, does this food item go in a bowl or on a plate, what condiments does it require, should it be cooked this way or that, should it be sliced, diced or mashed.  It might all be straightforward if the need to ask these questions right from the beginning is understood but it isn't always.

Assumptions are always made.

Eventually, the time will come when we settle into some sort of way of doing things that fits us as a couple or at least an automatic awareness of how the other one prefers things.  At six weeks in of living together and never having spent time in each other's physical presence during the seven years we've known each other, it's a bit early to expect that and thus I can only conclude we are doing quite well. 

By the time we sat down at the table with food for breakfast this morning we were debating whose thoughts and statements were more logical and insisting that the other person just wasn't getting it, but soon we were laughing.  Ironically, much confusion comes from my partner wanting to be helpful in the kitchen and my not being used to having help.  I don't know how to respond when something isn't done the way I expected it to be.  Intellectually and after the fact of course I know how to respond, but in the moment I tend to say things like "No, that's not how it's supposed to be." 

It's difficult not to conclude that I am just a bossy kitchen jerk but my partner always meets me halfway and rarely allows anything to be all my fault.  We agreed that we had each made assumptions, each favoured our own 'logic' and gotten quite entangled in a very silly situation involving breakfast food.

I made scrambled eggs with green onion, sausage crumbles and grated cheese.  I also made pancakes with whipped cream and cherry sauce.  Both of these items were requested for breakfast, or so I had thought but already there were assumptions involved.

My partner had asked for the pancakes and eggs for breakfast.

My assumptions followed:
I have so far only ever given him pancakes with whipped cream and fruit sauce and I only ever eat pancakes with sweet accompaniment.  I never eat pancakes in place of toast with the savoury food, the eggs and sausage.  It did not occur to me that was what he had meant. 

My solution to this breakfast mix was that I would serve it on two different plates, in order to keep the sweet apart from the savoury.  Then I decided, at the moment just prior to dishing up food, that the scrambled eggs could go in a small bowl.  My partner wanted to help.  He arrived in the kitchen willing and able to dish up food and I indicated where I had placed a plate and bowl for him and a plate and bowl for me on the counter.  He began to dish up the food in a manner I had not anticipated.  My immediate reaction was to say, 'No, no.  That's not right.'

Upon later reflection we discovered that not only had he not realised I was serving whipped cream and cherries with the pancakes, but that there is no logic involved in deciding whether or not the bowls should hold the eggs or the pancakes but I had a vision, I had made a decision about how it would work and his logic lead him to a different conclusion. 

Suddenly we have two sensitive, stubborn people defending their version of what goes in plates and what goes in bowls and why.  Two people determined to find logic in their own preferences and choices. 

As I write this my partner is fixing the fridge door.  He is putting the contents of the fridge door back and I think he is doing so with some trepidation.  He called out to me that he might do it wrong.  I have asserted that anywhere the items fit in the door is fine.  Now I have to follow through with that. 

Low Carb Pancake Recipe: Gluten Free ( Not egg, dairy or nut free )

1/4 cup cream cheese, softened
2 eggs
1/4 cup almond flour
2 tsp coconut flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tbsp sweetener of choice

Mix the cream cheese and eggs with a whisk until well combined.  Whisk in remaining ingredients.  Mixture will thicken slightly after sitting a few minutes due to the coconut flour.  Drop tablespoonfuls of batter onto a hot griddle with melted butter.  Cook until the edges  lose their gloss and bubbles break on the surface of the pancakes. 

Makes about 8 cakes and recipe can easily be doubled.

I find recipes on Pinterest, Blogs and in cookbooks.  I don't know where this recipe came from but there are many similar ones to be found.  I've tried several and this one is consistently the best.  The pancakes freeze successfully so a larger batch can be made and stored.

Thursday, 22 June 2017

She's a Day Tripper

I began this post complaining about what the motorcycle helmet does to my hair and how poorly the protective clothing fits me, but it did come across as a bit whiny.  Or more than a bit since I also ended the post on that note.  In reconsidering this wording I simply have to acknowledge that I enjoy day tripping with the motorcycle but I am vain enough to be disappointed by the same fit difficulties I might have with regular clothing.  I am, however, well padded against any close meeting with the asphalt, warm enough when riding at highway speeds, comfortable, and I don't have anything in black.   It's probably asking too much that these garments should also be flattering. 

We took a day trip to Denman Island and then Coombs, BC with plenty of photo opportunities provided by wild flora and fauna as well as the domesticated.  A day trip always involves a picnic and a picnic always involves ants.  Ours was no exception but we were determined to find a lovely, quiet, private place away from the noise of the power tools so beloved of human beings.  No pressure washers or leaf blowers, just birds, lapping waves and some very busy ants making off with bits of cheese or blueberry muffin three times the size of their own bodies.

                                   Our Ride:  vintage Honda named Rhonda

                                               Bill Mee Park, Denman Island

                                            Bill Mee Park, Denman Island

The Market in Coombs has goats on the roof.  It's a bit of a tourist trap sort of place but still fun to poke around and have a coffee there, which we did.

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

I'm Still Here...If You're Interested

My apologies to the very sweet people who read my blog, I have been quite caught up in life changes and not ready to write anything.  I think it is still somewhat an odd concept to me that there are readers and people who might wonder why I suddenly fell off the face of the earth.  For the past month and a half I have been very occupied with the process of making my home ready to be shared with my longtime boyfriend, transitioning from a long distance relationship to full time living together.  I don't know if I can even describe the emotions involved and I wasn't even aware of how intense they were for me until a day after he moved in and I had a bit of a physical collapse.  My body just gave in and I thought at first that I had a virus.  I was hot and chilled and I shook.  I ran to the bathroom often and then I collapsed in bed again.  It wasn't the way I imagined beginning the process of cohabitation, but I know I am with the right guy because he was just very sweet and soon I was back to my normal self again. 

My partner and I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly seven years, spending hours a day together online and developing a friendship and a relationship without ever having expected or intended to at first.  As time went by it was obvious to us that we had something we didn't want to lose but there were lives to sort out, there was a great distance to traverse.  By the time we decided to live together we were also meeting in person for the first time.  That's not the way most people do things but who wants to be ordinary?  We knew we were too well suited and too much in love not to be able to make things work out so we took the chance.  He got on a plane....three planes actually....and arrived at the end of May.  The time that has passed so far feels like minutes and also like years.   As someone who quite enjoys her space, likes living alone, values her independence, this felt like a very big step for me but I felt sure of it.  I knew it might be slightly difficult to adjust but that it would be worth it to share my space and time with a man who is my best friend, a soul mate, a partner and lucky me quite romantic too!   Two and a half weeks in and I have to say it feels completely normal and right.  Phew!

We both come from dysfunctional and abusive marriages, both happy to now be with someone who loves and values us for who we are but we aren't young and delusional either.  We are middle aged and set in our ways.  We know that there will be times when compromise, tolerance and forgiveness are needed.  While very much alike in many ways and very compatible there are some ways in which we are very different.  We also both live with chronic illness which allows for sympathy and understanding but we may need to cross our fingers that we have our bad days at different times so there is at least one person available to put the kettle on.  Mostly we hope to be able to help and support each other cope with physical setbacks and limitations and to some degree heal physically as much as we have helped each other heal emotionally already. 

Well this was not a typical post for me, but I have nothing to say about colour, personal style, growing out a pixie cut or about being an INTJ.  I have dabbled in painting but nothing new to share has emerged in the past month.  Life right now is a strange and wonderful sort of domestic honeymoon.   We have a motorcycle, a Honda Goldwing, which we take out on day trips sometimes and anticipate taking on a longer trip this summer.  Future posts may be motorcycle related at times.  My partner is working on weight loss and I am helping by providing a nutritious and varied low carbohydrate diet so as I experiment more with low carb cooking I would like to share some recipes here also.  I expect this blog to continue to be the usual mixture of my thoughts, experiences and efforts to live a full and rich life despite limitations.  It astonishes me really that there are actually people who read and follow along but as always my hope is just to connect with others and to inspire those living with chronic illnesses.  We all just keep on keeping on, meeting life's changes and challenges with a positive attitude and the hope of making the world a better place even in small ways. 

                             I recently turned fifty and had some help celebrating.

                                    We had a lovely short vacation in Tofino, BC

Friday, 5 May 2017

Coral Red Lips and Growing Out a Pixie

I've never really experimented with the colour coral before, but for anyone with a bit of warmth in their colouring there is a flattering coral.  Peach and coral are better on me than pink, or one could say they are my best versions of pink.  When coral is deep it can even be a coral-red.  The sweater I am wearing is a coral pink and I've got a new lipstick that looks coral red in the tube and is named Rich Girl Red, but it looks more like a deep warm pink on me.   Where does pink end and red begin?  Sometimes that's difficult to say.

Really true red lipsticks always seem a bit overwhelming on my face and I need a bit of a muted effect, warm and earthy, not warm and bright.  That's why I go for the browns.  Revlon has lots of reds and some of them are obviously warm but  although I have a couple in mind to some day try,  a bold lip isn't really my comfort zone.  

                                           Lipstick:  Revlon Rich Girl Red

This lipstick is a sheer, creamy texture which I like.  The lipsticks I have felt quite heavy for warmer weather and lighter clothing and this morning I wasn't happy with any of them.  I have one in this same sheer formula that is a lighter colour and a bit more of a nude but I found myself wanting a colour with a bit more punch.  Revlon is my go-to for quality, price, availability and no strange taste or fragrance.


Growing out a pixie cut yet again.....

I didn't get past the awkward ear-muffs stage a couple of years ago and I gave in to the people who like a pixie cut on me.  I MUST NOT DO THAT anymore.  I feel the need for hair.  While I love a pixie in theory and I like the way it looks on me from a front view, I am generally not happy with it overall and don't feel flattered by it.  In part that is because I feel like a pin-head on a larger body when I have very short hair.  But growing it out is difficult and the awkward stages along the way have made me give up more than once.

The photo above goes back to summer, and is already a growing out pixie.  It's a month or two since the haircut and there are so many whispy layers at the side it's no wonder it has taken 10 months to grow them out to something that resembles a bob.  The hair is shorter around the ears than the bits you can see at the front. so growing that out into something with a more even length takes time too.

I'm in a reasonable stage right now but awkward stages are coming again because once the the length gets down to jaw level it's not as flattering.  It drags my face down, emphasizing and enlarging the lower half of my face.    I have to get past that stage for that effect to end so must remember it's just an awkward stage, just as I've already been through one or two of those. 

Some more layering might help take out some of that bulk so I am telling myself that I will see a pro in six months.

Speaking of layers......

My hair is very fine in texture and there is a lot of it.  This means that when it's cut short it is cut with a lot of detail, a lot of thinning, and this also makes growing it out awkward.  I was wondering if my hair grows particularly slower compared to others.  There are images and blogs all over the internet on how to grow out a pixie and most people doing so get to a layered bob within six months.  I've been growing out awkward layers for ten months and only now have something that sort of resembles a very short, layered bob.  I've had to do lots of little trims  to avoid the mullet, but also evening up layers a little bit.  It seems some people have hair that can be cut quite simply and it grows out easily.

So this is where I am at with my growing out pixie.  My last professional haircut was July 2016 and I've been doing my own trims to cope with strange shapes, mullets, thin or thick spots and the inevitable situation where one side of my head grows faster than the other.

Bangs, fringe, whatever you call it there is the question of do I keep it or grow it out too.  I can never decide.  Most people think I am best flattered with bangs and I generally worn them for the past 40 years regardless of whether or not they are in style.  I will probably keep them.

Hats, headbands, hair pins..... these come in handy when growing out hair and the hairpins certainly prove useful when I can't decide about the bangs.  If I let them grow too long I need to pin them off my face.  I have grown out some of the bangs and left a smaller section short, so using the hairpins helps with that process too.

Hair spray comes in handy.  Sometimes I just need to plaster sections of hair back off my face and there is nothing like hairspray for achieving that.  Stiff hairstyles are not my style preference but over the next year style preferences are not always going to be achieved.

I haven't got any magic tricks for growing out a pixie and there are plenty of sites online offering advice.  All I have to offer is the reassurance that for those of us who find it a laborious, it is possible.  I've done it a few times before and intend to manage it again.

Saturday, 29 April 2017

Less and More

One has to be careful when writing about decluttering and downsizing on one's blog.  One's soon to be cohabitation partner reads the blog and could get the idea that one is a minimalist and thus he should not bring any clutter into the home or relationship.

One is not a minimalist.  One is making room for what is important and HE is important.  Co-decorating is potentially fraught and I have to admit I have very definite opinions about what is tacky and what I want in my rooms and on my walls.  I am fortunate to have a partner who is not particularly concerned with decor, happy to leave that sort of thing up to me.  For someone like me that is the definition of compatibility.  Compatible taste would also be ideal but I suspect it could be rare.  Compromise is required in a relationship.  Some give and take and respect for what the partner values is a must as is re-visiting and reconsidering what we value ourselves.

That's why making room for someone else requires letting go of things that I do not love or use.  It isn't about declaring less is better or more is better, but that the goal is a just right amount.  Is it called The Goldilocks Principle?

And speaking of too much or not enough.....

I am trying to find my own personal balance of less and more in my art.  I often over-paint, finding my way by adding more, covering it up if I don't like it, changing it a little or a lot.  Sometimes I completely cover over a canvas and paint something else on top.  Sometimes I regret this but most of the time I don't.  Sometimes I paint something quickly.  It's simple, and takes maybe an hour.  I like it so I stop and yet I wonder how can it be any good if it was so quick and easy? 

The painting on the bottom is now buried under the painting on the top.   I wasn't achieving what I wanted.  There were three incarnations of the painting above and I didn't like them so I slapped a ton of paint on top and obliterated it, creating the painting above it.  Now that I look at it in a photo I like it.  I wonder why I was upset with it.  But there's a life lesson in there somewhere.  Maybe more than one.   And I can paint again.  Perhaps the painting on the bottom was meant to teach me something.  Probably it was meant to teach me not to be so impatient and so hard on myself, but do I ever learn that lesson?  

In the photo I really like the bottom painting but in reality it irked me.  It looked over-painted.  It looked like too much.  As a photo it is inspiration. I painted my way into it, not knowing where I was going.  Now that I know I want to go there, perhaps I can again, more directly, with more purpose next time.